He's gone.

Ethan got his angel wings at 1:52 p.m. on Monday, August 8, 2011.

To say my heart is broken would be an understatement.

Monday was to be a fun day for me. One of the best in a while. Mom took me and Haley to Emerald Point and we had a blast. As I talked about last time, I felt Sunday would be the day it happened. Now that I look back on it, maybe God didn't want to ruin my care free, fun day Monday. When I got home, I learned my sweet boy had passed away. I miss him already. His sweet smile probably the most. That's one of the thing's that got me through the day some days, and now it's gone with him. I can always look back on old pictures of Ethan and see him smiling back, but it'll never be the same as seeing a picture of him today smiling.

Through this deep pain I'm feeling right now, there's also a peace I can't explain. Ethan doesn't have to worry about cancer, or hospitals, or scans, or anything anymore. Knowing he doesn't have to go through more pain, chemo, radiation, or anything cancer related anymore brings peace. I hope when I get to heaven and see Ethan, he will have gone back to his original weight. Either way, I think Ethan is one of the most handsome little dudes I've ever seen, but I know he liked it when he was bloated from the steroids this past month and a half. It's what he would have wanted to look like.

Ethan,

I want to let you know I love you so much. More than words can say. You touched my so much in the year and a half I came to know you. I'll never forget the winter day on February 17, 2009, that I saw your smiling face in the first picture in the post. Your smile warmed my heart from the beginning. I will never forget you either. I will never take my Team Ethan bracelets off and I will wear my Team Ethan shirt as much as possible. I will spread awareness for childhood cancer in your name. I will go help other children fighting this horrible disease in your name. Ethan buddy, if only I could have met you and told you how much you really mean to me, you would understand. Even then, I don't think I could put in words what you mean to me. You are one of the most amazing people I've ever seen. And I wouldn't change not seeing you for anything in the world. There's a song called "Cryin' For Me" and one line goes, "Even though it hurts the way it ended up, I'd do it all again." It does hurt the way it ended, buddy, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat if it means seeing your beautiful blue eyes, and that beaming smile. I don't care if you're not physically on this Earth anymore. I will always be Team Ethan, and I will never stop supporting you. Your spirit will live on forever, Ethan. I hope I get signs from you as many as possible. I know you are happier where you are now, and with that I have made some peace. I miss you tons. More than words can describe. I miss your smile, your eyes, your voice, just knowing you were breathing and alive. I miss you and every little thing about you and what you did and how you did it and everything, baby. I love you to heaven and back, buddy.

Love always and forever,

Allison

The last picture ever taken of my sweet boy. Rest in peace, bud.

So much is happening right now... I love camp, but it always brings out the worst in people.

Church camp is suppose to be about God. It's suppose to be about making your faith stronger. Getting closer to God, yet, every year something always happens. First year- Katie cutting herself. Second year- Cory drama. Third- Cory, Grayson, Alec drama. My life was changed so much last week. I found out 2 of my friends have been smoking cigarettes. One of them lied to my best friend who's their girlfriend. I thought it was bad when Alec did it. Now, Grayson too. I want to know how this happened. How did they get to the point where this could happen? Alec, I can kind of see. But Grayson? Grayson would never do such a thing, but tonight I was watched him jitter from not having one, it's made me really think. If he wasn't with his church group, I bet he would have went nuts. Camp always brings out stuff that shouldn't happen, but do. Secrets come out, except for mine. Camp never changes my mind about keeping things secret. If I tell, it would change lives as those around me have. So, for now, my secrets are mine. Mine and God's only.

On top of life drama, I'm losing my Ethan. God is going to take him home soon and all day I've been worried about him. I woke up thinking today was the day. It was just a feeling I had. So far, he's still here. But the day's not over yet. I miss his smile already. It's been a week or so since I saw it. My heart is broken just hearing what he is going through. This morning his mom woke up to him sitting in a puddle of blood. I don't know how to feel anymore. In some ways, I feel like God should go on and take him home. He's suffering. He's never awake. He's slowly dying. There! I said it, ETHAN'S DYING! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! Never did I think when I saw the seven year old little boy in a blue jacket with some of the bluest eyes I'd ever seen, holding his dog, that I would fall so in love. Ethan has been my little man for a year and a half now. And now, I'm losing him. He's soon gonna be gone. Gone forever. Today, I begged God to take him home. Stop his suffering. I'm selfish because I still want him here, but I don't want him to suffer like this. With the pain, not being able to breathe, IT'S NOT FAIR!

My emotions are running wild this week. I will be glad when it all settles down. When all my friends can say, "I quit smoking for good," and when Ethan can say, " Don't worry, I am healed. I'm in heaven now." Then, maybe things will be alright.