So much is happening right now... I love camp, but it always brings out the worst in people.

Church camp is suppose to be about God. It's suppose to be about making your faith stronger. Getting closer to God, yet, every year something always happens. First year- Katie cutting herself. Second year- Cory drama. Third- Cory, Grayson, Alec drama. My life was changed so much last week. I found out 2 of my friends have been smoking cigarettes. One of them lied to my best friend who's their girlfriend. I thought it was bad when Alec did it. Now, Grayson too. I want to know how this happened. How did they get to the point where this could happen? Alec, I can kind of see. But Grayson? Grayson would never do such a thing, but tonight I was watched him jitter from not having one, it's made me really think. If he wasn't with his church group, I bet he would have went nuts. Camp always brings out stuff that shouldn't happen, but do. Secrets come out, except for mine. Camp never changes my mind about keeping things secret. If I tell, it would change lives as those around me have. So, for now, my secrets are mine. Mine and God's only.

On top of life drama, I'm losing my Ethan. God is going to take him home soon and all day I've been worried about him. I woke up thinking today was the day. It was just a feeling I had. So far, he's still here. But the day's not over yet. I miss his smile already. It's been a week or so since I saw it. My heart is broken just hearing what he is going through. This morning his mom woke up to him sitting in a puddle of blood. I don't know how to feel anymore. In some ways, I feel like God should go on and take him home. He's suffering. He's never awake. He's slowly dying. There! I said it, ETHAN'S DYING! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! Never did I think when I saw the seven year old little boy in a blue jacket with some of the bluest eyes I'd ever seen, holding his dog, that I would fall so in love. Ethan has been my little man for a year and a half now. And now, I'm losing him. He's soon gonna be gone. Gone forever. Today, I begged God to take him home. Stop his suffering. I'm selfish because I still want him here, but I don't want him to suffer like this. With the pain, not being able to breathe, IT'S NOT FAIR!

My emotions are running wild this week. I will be glad when it all settles down. When all my friends can say, "I quit smoking for good," and when Ethan can say, " Don't worry, I am healed. I'm in heaven now." Then, maybe things will be alright.