Gosh,

I haven't been on here in so long. I want to start blogging again, it just hasn't happened. I feel I need to start a new blog just to start over. Actually, I already have. If you'd like to continue you reading about my journey of life, please visit my other blog. http://love-allison.blogspot.com/ I will try to actually keep this blog going. I promise. And I hope you will join me in the next chapter of my life.

Dance pictures I like,

Long time, no type.

Man. I can't believe it's been 6 months since I posted on her. I haven't forgotten about it. I've been so extremely busy lately I don't even know what to do. I'm doing okay in school. Last semester I finished with 4.0 GPA. This semester, so far, I've got a 3.75. I'm taking Advanced Algebra II, Spanish I, P.E., and Advanced Earth Science right now. Advanced Algebra II is the hardest class I've taken to date. I've had a struggle all year to keep my grade in that class a C. I'm easily passing Spanish I. With a 99 average in there right now, I'm doing pretty dang good. P.E.'s an easy class considering you don't have to do much work. Advanced Earth Science is pretty easy. I've got a B in that class so, I'm doing good for an advanced class. Algebra is the only thing that is stressing me to the max. Then adding 9 hours of dance a week is rough.

This website used to be very therapeutic for me. I miss writing daily/weekly about how my day/week was. I'm going to try to post more often, but I'm not making any promises. I've grown a lot as a person in the last 6 months. Through personal struggles and watching others struggle. This blog also proved to be hard on my heart at times. I think I'm ready to get going again though. Yes, I am still involved with children with cancer, but not like I used to be. Yes, I still want to be a pediatric oncologist. I wish I had more time to learn about new children with cancer. Recently, I've noticed I keep my guard up when I learn of a new child. I try not to let kids get to me as much as they used to. 1 in 7 of those children will die. Occasionally, a child will come along and touch my heart more than others. But it's become easier to let them go as they go.

Ellie is still the child that taught me the most. I find clues of her near every day. Layla is also continuing to teach me things along with Ethan. Kate and Kylie continue to amaze me with both their fights with relapsed brain cancer. Kate is thriving under the circumstances I'm lucky to say. Sadly, I can't say the same with Kylie. For those who don't know Kylie, she's 3 years old and was diagnosed with brain cancer in the end of December 2010. After almost a year of chemotherapy, Kylie's tumors continued to grow after she was taking off treatment. Chemotherapy has been tried again and is not showing improvement. Radiation is not a viable option because she's so young. I hold on to hope that Kylie will pull through. She has God on her side.

Well, I'll try to start posting more starting Monday. If I don't post Monday, definitely Tuesday. Mondays are dance nights, eat, Katie's, and then homework most of the time, so it'll probably be more Tuesday. God bless.

Love,
Allison

A year.

Today is my birthday. It should be a happy day. A day to celebrate and have fun like any other 14 year old my age should be doing on their birthday. But not me. A year ago today, the person that taught me more than anyone in the world, the person that touched my life more than anyone ever has and ever will, the person that changed my life from the minute she came into it, the person that I loved and followed in her journey for 8 months before she went to heaven, was told she was dying. Plain and simple. The chemotherapy treatments had failed. She had had the maximum radiation treatments for her lifetime. The alternative treatments weren't working. That there were over 40 tumors in her lungs and her pelvic/hip tumor was spreading down her leg. But she still... still... believed she would be healed on Earth. This time last year, she was still on Earth. She was still believing and having hope and faith. My only wish to God was to heal Ellie on this Earth. To take me instead of her. I couldn't lose my girl. My favorite girl. She taught me so much to that point, I couldn't stop learning. If she was gone, that meant her lessons were over. She wouldn't teach me anything after she took her last breath. It's amazing enough she taught me so much when she was breathing. But it wasn't possible that I could lose Ellie. I couldn't live without her. She was my world. I was so attached. I couldn't have her taken away from me from so pathetic as cancer. I just couldn't. Still everyday I saw her get weaker and weaker. Heard  about her pain and struggle. I believed, too, that she would get the miracle she deserved. The miracle that never came. Ellie was the miracle. But not the miracle we hoped for. Ellie taught me many things in 8 short months. She taught me to smile because there is always something to smile about. Ellie came into my life at a low time. I had just lost my friend and I had never lost anyone close to me before. Ellie pulled me out of the hole I was in. I'll never forget that day she showed up on my computer screen. She had just relapsed with stage 4 cancer and she was smiling. I didn't understand how she did it. I still don't. If I had cancer, period, I don't know how much I could smile. To tell my mom and dad and sister and friends that it was all right. That I would be perfectly fine. Ellie was wise beyond her years. She may have only been 8 but she was smarter than most adults. Until Ellie's last breath, she helped me believe she would be cured on Earth. I had a little hope at 11:34 a.m. June 23, 2010. I had hope she could make it through no matter what the doctors said. No matter how much she struggled to breathe or was in pain. The day my hope started waining the most was the day she stopped walking because it hurt so much. That was the day I faced a hard reality that my girl would soon be gone. But my hope never, EVER stopped until 11:35 a.m. on June 23, 2010. I had to hope. If I didn't, it meant I would accept the inevitable. That I was going to lose my girl forever. That I would never get to see her smiling face. Ellie taught me to have hope through everything, no matter the circumstances. On her dead bed, Ellie told her mom, "Don't worry, Mommy. I'm not going to die." She was going to live! Even in her worst hour, Ellie's spirit was alive! She wasn't going to leave us.

Tomorrow,

As we go to school every day, go to football games and the movies, have sleepovers. As the leaves begin to first fall off the trees, as the summer starts to turn to fall, and the weather starts to get colder. As life goes on without those who used to be there. Tomorrow marks a decade since the attacks on the World Trade Centers and Pentagon, our nation included. I was only 4 years old when 9/11 happened. I don't remember a thing from that day, but I can say I lived through it. There are 2,972 less lives today because of terrorists. 10 years ago at this very moment, those 2,972 didn't know how short their time on Earth was left. For those 2,972 people, they didn't think going to work would be so dangerous. Those 2,972 are not including the people that were injured in the attacks on 9/11. 2,972 precious lives were lost on September 11, 2001. 2,792 lives that should be here today. They were innocent people and didn't deserve to die. No one except criminals deserves to die.

Tomorrow would have been my good friend, Tyler's, 15th birthday. But Tyler is forever 13 years old. I can't believe next month will mark 2 years since the accident. It seems like just yesterday, yet it seems like forever since I saw Tyler. I miss him so much. Tyler's life was cut short in a car accident. He fought for his life for 4 hours. He tried. I know he did. As I type this, "Dancing With the Angels" came on my computer shuffle. Such a powerful song. A sign from Tyler, no doubt. Please, wear your seat belt. It could mean the difference between life and death.

In my lifetime, I've seen many people die that didn't deserve it. My grandpa fought cancer for 2 years before he passed away. No man will ever be as good as my grandpa. You couldn't have met a more caring, outgoing, christian man. He amazes me to this day. I saw Layla die. I saw her became only 18 pounds. Heard her struggles through the updates her mom posted. I saw Ellie die slowly from cancer. I heard her mom's words, "Her chest keeps heaving up and down to get air." Those words haunt me. There have been so many in between. Most recently, Ethan. My Ethan passed away only a month ago. Seems so long yet just like yesterday. I miss him more and more each day.

None of those people deserved to die. No one deserves to die unless they are horrible. Like serial killers. They seem to never die and kill people for years. It's not fair innocent people have to die. It's not fair. It's life though. I can't say life's not fair. Ellie once said, "Life is fair. Life is life. Life's not perfect." If a 7 year old with cancer can say life is fair, I can believe it with all my heart. I hold on to hope that one day, life will be fair.

I'll leave with pictures of the some many people I talked about in this post. May God bless all these families. (My grandpa is not included.)

 

 The 2,972 lives lost almost 10 years ago on September 11, 2001.

 

 Layla Grace Marsh 11/26/07-3/9/10

Tyler Michael Perrow 9/11/96-10/17/09

 Ellie Shoal Potvin 10/31/01-6/23/10

Ethan Taylor Jostad 4/31/02-8/8/11

He's gone.

Ethan got his angel wings at 1:52 p.m. on Monday, August 8, 2011.

To say my heart is broken would be an understatement.

Monday was to be a fun day for me. One of the best in a while. Mom took me and Haley to Emerald Point and we had a blast. As I talked about last time, I felt Sunday would be the day it happened. Now that I look back on it, maybe God didn't want to ruin my care free, fun day Monday. When I got home, I learned my sweet boy had passed away. I miss him already. His sweet smile probably the most. That's one of the thing's that got me through the day some days, and now it's gone with him. I can always look back on old pictures of Ethan and see him smiling back, but it'll never be the same as seeing a picture of him today smiling.

Through this deep pain I'm feeling right now, there's also a peace I can't explain. Ethan doesn't have to worry about cancer, or hospitals, or scans, or anything anymore. Knowing he doesn't have to go through more pain, chemo, radiation, or anything cancer related anymore brings peace. I hope when I get to heaven and see Ethan, he will have gone back to his original weight. Either way, I think Ethan is one of the most handsome little dudes I've ever seen, but I know he liked it when he was bloated from the steroids this past month and a half. It's what he would have wanted to look like.

Ethan,

I want to let you know I love you so much. More than words can say. You touched my so much in the year and a half I came to know you. I'll never forget the winter day on February 17, 2009, that I saw your smiling face in the first picture in the post. Your smile warmed my heart from the beginning. I will never forget you either. I will never take my Team Ethan bracelets off and I will wear my Team Ethan shirt as much as possible. I will spread awareness for childhood cancer in your name. I will go help other children fighting this horrible disease in your name. Ethan buddy, if only I could have met you and told you how much you really mean to me, you would understand. Even then, I don't think I could put in words what you mean to me. You are one of the most amazing people I've ever seen. And I wouldn't change not seeing you for anything in the world. There's a song called "Cryin' For Me" and one line goes, "Even though it hurts the way it ended up, I'd do it all again." It does hurt the way it ended, buddy, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat if it means seeing your beautiful blue eyes, and that beaming smile. I don't care if you're not physically on this Earth anymore. I will always be Team Ethan, and I will never stop supporting you. Your spirit will live on forever, Ethan. I hope I get signs from you as many as possible. I know you are happier where you are now, and with that I have made some peace. I miss you tons. More than words can describe. I miss your smile, your eyes, your voice, just knowing you were breathing and alive. I miss you and every little thing about you and what you did and how you did it and everything, baby. I love you to heaven and back, buddy.

Love always and forever,

Allison

The last picture ever taken of my sweet boy. Rest in peace, bud.

So much is happening right now... I love camp, but it always brings out the worst in people.

Church camp is suppose to be about God. It's suppose to be about making your faith stronger. Getting closer to God, yet, every year something always happens. First year- Katie cutting herself. Second year- Cory drama. Third- Cory, Grayson, Alec drama. My life was changed so much last week. I found out 2 of my friends have been smoking cigarettes. One of them lied to my best friend who's their girlfriend. I thought it was bad when Alec did it. Now, Grayson too. I want to know how this happened. How did they get to the point where this could happen? Alec, I can kind of see. But Grayson? Grayson would never do such a thing, but tonight I was watched him jitter from not having one, it's made me really think. If he wasn't with his church group, I bet he would have went nuts. Camp always brings out stuff that shouldn't happen, but do. Secrets come out, except for mine. Camp never changes my mind about keeping things secret. If I tell, it would change lives as those around me have. So, for now, my secrets are mine. Mine and God's only.

On top of life drama, I'm losing my Ethan. God is going to take him home soon and all day I've been worried about him. I woke up thinking today was the day. It was just a feeling I had. So far, he's still here. But the day's not over yet. I miss his smile already. It's been a week or so since I saw it. My heart is broken just hearing what he is going through. This morning his mom woke up to him sitting in a puddle of blood. I don't know how to feel anymore. In some ways, I feel like God should go on and take him home. He's suffering. He's never awake. He's slowly dying. There! I said it, ETHAN'S DYING! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! Never did I think when I saw the seven year old little boy in a blue jacket with some of the bluest eyes I'd ever seen, holding his dog, that I would fall so in love. Ethan has been my little man for a year and a half now. And now, I'm losing him. He's soon gonna be gone. Gone forever. Today, I begged God to take him home. Stop his suffering. I'm selfish because I still want him here, but I don't want him to suffer like this. With the pain, not being able to breathe, IT'S NOT FAIR!

My emotions are running wild this week. I will be glad when it all settles down. When all my friends can say, "I quit smoking for good," and when Ethan can say, " Don't worry, I am healed. I'm in heaven now." Then, maybe things will be alright.