Post I never posted from June.

My silence is mainly from the heartache of this month. With a side of busyness. June will always be a hard month. I think about what was happening last year. My Ellie was losing her battle, struggling to breathe. For 3 weeks, she struggled greatly. The actual day that marked one year didn't feel like it. Mainly because it hasn't hit me yet that she's been gone so long. The 15th I left for a cruise to Bermuda. We got on the ship the next day. It was a blast and I met so many amazing people. They have changed my life forever. Lewis, Chloe, Irish Bob, Sticka, Marcus, our dancing waiter, thank you for giving me one of the best weeks of my life. When we got off the ship, we went down to Myrtle Beach to stay with my brother, his wife, and my niece. My vacation was partly ruined with the news that my brother and sister-in-law are separating soon. I learned right before we left on the cruise. To know my niece won't have both parents by her side at all times breaks my heart. I can't feel mad at my brother, but he's the reason they're splitting up. For 4 and a half years, they seemed perfect together. The last time we came to visit them though, something had changed. I could feel it. That was only a few weeks ago and now they're done. Well, we spent the night in Myrtle Beach and the next day was Ellie's one year. I'm glad I got to see the beach for Ellie's one year. She loved the beach and imagined heaven that way. I only wish I could see her heavenly beach. I couldn't cry all day if I wanted to. I wouldn't have anyway, but that's beside the point. We didn't get home until about 7. I honestly didn't think of Ellie too much that day. It was just too painful to think about it. Especially, since I couldn't cry. I still haven't really reflected on the last year. It'll come one day. When I got home, my heart broke in two though.

Ethan. Happy, smiling, funny, joyous, strong, amazing Ethan.

Ethan's cancer is back. It's everywhere.

God, please heal Ethan here on Earth.

I've prayed for Ethan over a year. He caught my from the time I saw him. He was only 7 at the time and going through chemo. For 8 more months, I saw him go through harsh chemo and then, he went into remission! I was so excited. I loved Ethan from the start. When he started maintence chemo, I thought YES! He can get chemo with no side effects and he'll still having something in his system to fight cancer if it does come back. If you've seen my earlier post, go back to April where Ethan gave us a "scare." In January, Ethan came down with the BK virus. For 2 months, he was off maintence chemo because the BK virus was still visible. In March, he had 2 tests in a row that showed the virus was gone and he started maintence again. But, he also started having pains in his side. For a month, he handled it but it got worse and worse. So, an ultrasound was ordered that found a mass near his liver (now we know it really was a tumor.) A CT scan was ordered that was clear. But, at the time, the cancer was in his bones not his organs. A CT scan can't show what's in the bone. If only the doctors would have done an MRI, they would have seen the cancer was back and would have probably been caught early and not spread. But with the CT scan, everything looked normal besides something that the doctor said. She hoped it was just radiation changes. In the cancer world, I've come realize "radiation changes" often lead to relapses. First, Kate and now, Ethan. So, I came home to really bad news. My heart still hurts. Ethan is on day 4 of chemo now and he has one day left. 2 weeks off and then 5 more days. Hopefully after that, scans will commence and he will be on the road to cancer free again! Ethan's chance of survival is now 10%. Breaks my heart. But, I hold on to faith and just hope he falls into that 10%. I only know of one more relapsed stage 4 alveolar rhabdomyosarcoma survivor. I only wish that Ethan will someday fall into that category, too.

I'll leave you with the first picture of Ethan I ever saw. February 17, 2010, changed my life forever.