Kate's almost done!

 Kate getting proton brain radiation to the 2 new tumors last week.

 Kate at the movies in Houston after brain and spine radiation a couple weeks ago.

Tomorrow is Kate's last day of proton radiation. Of course, I am so glad she is finally done, but it scares me because I don't want any cancer cell untouched. I'm glad she won't have to be bolted down a table (hopefully) every again.I just hope no cancer cell survives. There will be after radiation treatment, but they aren't sure what to do quite yet. Chemo? Maybe. Other drugs? Maybe. She will soon get an MRI to make sure the cancer has not returned to the original tumor bed. The tumor bed has not been radiated these past 8 weeks. I pray the cancer is not there, too. She will also be scheduled to have a port placed again. She had her removed once she finished radiation last year. She didn't need one for radiation since she wasn't put under sedation.

Pray tomorrow, if there are any cancer cells left that they would be destroyed.

Pray for comfort, peace, and God's work for Kate and her family.

Pray for the right direction for the next course of treatment.

Saturday night,

Saturday night was a bad night.I listened to my iPod. I didn't meanto cry like I did. I was listening to it on shuffle. Everything was good. Then, One Last Christmas came on by Matthew West. 

The song was written for 2 year old Dax who the doctors said wouldn't make it to see Christmas. He was diagnosed with AML at only a year old. He went through 2 bone marrow transplants, but the cancer still spread. He was sent home to live the rest of his life. His family prayed he would make it for one last Christmas. First, his parents put up the Christmas lights early in case he didn't make it. Then, the neighborhood. Then, the whole town. Then, people all over the world. People put up their Christmas lights just for Dax. Dax made it to one last Christmas and flew to heaven on December 30, 2009.

Well, the song came on. Every time I listen to it, it makes me cry. Every single time. So, I cried. I decided that I was going to reflect on every child that I was touched by. I listened to Hey Ellie, Layla, Whenever Savannah Smiles, Little Light, Streets of Heaven, Braid My Hair, Hands, Only Grace, Hope Now, What Faith Can Do, and many more songs that remind me of these kids. And I cried and cried and cried. I cried until I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore. It's been a long time since I cried myself to sleep. October actually.

My heart was having a heavy night.

THANK YOU LORD!

ETHAN'S SCANS WERE CLEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so overjoyed at the news from yesterday!

I can't believe it.

THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

Ethan has NOT relapsed!

I cried and cried when I saw the news.

 This is a picture of Ethan from the night they found the mass. He was still smiling even though it might have meant his cancer was back. He is my true hero.

GO ETHAN!

KICKING CANCER'S BUTT!

WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH! 

 

I HATE YOU, CANCER!

 I hate all cancer. I hate rhabdomyosarcoma. I hate neuroblastoma. I hate supratentorial primitive neuroectodermal tumor. I hate Wilm's tumor. I hate craniopharyngioma. I hate adrenocortical carcinoma. I hate acute lymphoblastic leukemia. I hate acute myeloid leukemia. I hate acute promyelocytic leukemia. I hate myelodysplasia. I hate primitive neuroectodermal tumor. I hate atypical teratoid/ rhabdoid tumor. I hate hepatoblastoma. I hate  diffuse instrinsic pontine glioma. I hate ependymoma. I hate astrocytoma. I hate osteosarcoma. I hate Ewing's sarcoma. I hate pleuropulmonary blastoma. I hate malignant fibrous histocytomas. I hate rhabdoid tumor. I hate hepatocellular carcinoma. I hate retinoblastoma. I hate medulloblastoma. I hate lymphoblastic lymphoma. I hate Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I hate Hodgkin's lymphoma. I hate choroid plexus tumor. I hate colorectal carcinoma. I hate desmoid tumors. I hate desmoplastic small round cell tumor. I hate endocrine tumors. I hate ganglioglioma. I hate non-rhabdomyosarcoma soft tissue sarcoma. I hate germ cell tumors. I hate melanoma. I hate oligodendroglioma. I hate optic pathway tumor. I hate all cancers. I hate cancer! I hate it all!

Ethan.

 

 Ethan had been having pains in his side for the past few weeks. I was hoping it would be just a little pain from his medicine. But today, we learned otherwise.

This morning Ethan had an ultrasound. A few hours later, they got the results.

There is a mass near his liver.

Ethan has been cancer free for 6 months.

His last scans in early February were clear.

Ethan came down with BK virus two months ago and was unable to continue with maintenance chemotherapy that his parents worked so hard to get him.

It took 2 months for 2 of his BK tests to come back clear.

When this happened last week, he was planning to start his next round of maintenance today.

He had treatment this morning, but he probably will not be able to continue.

Ethan will have a CT scan in the morning.

I pray with all my heart that a miracle happens and the mass is gone or at least not cancerous. A cyst maybe.

Anything. Anything. Anything but cancer.

My heart is broke.

After February, I was hoping the relapse thing was over.

But.

Obvisiously not.

Kate finished with brain and spine radiation yesterday! Today, she started proton radiation to the 2 new tumors that were found in February. I pray every cancer cell is killed. Every single cell. Her hair has all fallen out, too. She shaved it a couple weeks ago to make it easier. She will soon lay her hair out and let the birds make a nest out of it like Daisy.

 God willing she is done with cancer treatment forever! GO DAISY!Daisy's hair has begun to come back. You see those little blond hairs. It's not much but it's growing! Yay!

 I had a special dream last night.

I got to meet Kate.

I was in a restaurant and I saw Kate with her mom, dad, and brother. I'm not sure where her sister was. I ate and walked over to them. Kate looked sick and tired. It broke my heart. She didn't smile while I was talking to her. She just laid there with her head on her mom's shoulder. She looked like she didn't feel good. I talked with Will some, too. He was a sweetie. My parents called me and told me we had to leave. I gave Kate a hug, told her I hoped she felt better, and walked away. As I turned back to wave goodbye one last time, Kate raised her head up, waved back, and gave me the biggest smile I'd ever seen.

It was amazing. I hope one day I'll actually be able to meet this princess and when I do, I hope she feels great and is cancer free! <3  

 

Tomorrow will be Kate's last day of brain and spine radiation. I am so joyful yet, what if the cancer cells are still there? There's a possibility the first radiation treatments Kate had last April- May didn't kill all the cancer cells. That she never really was cancer free. What if the cancer cells are still there? It's a scary thought. Wednesday, she will begin proton radiation again to the 2 new tumors. I pray that the radiation will kill the cancer cells. They are also discussing the insertion of a central line. That just makes me realize even more that she will soon begin chemotherapy again. That her situation really is serious and deadly. I hate using that word. Deadly. Death. Die. All of it. I hate it.  I hate cancer. I hate radiation. I hate chemo. I hate it ALL! I have read all of Kate's journal entries and I'm scared for her. She is such an amazing child. At the tender age of 7, she is more brave than most adults. Could you go through brain surgery that paralyzes you on your right side and takes your speech? Could you regain almost all the strength back in your arm and leg? Could you even gain back a little? Could you go through 5 rounds of chemotherapy? Could you handle the side effects? Could you face the possibility that you might never have kids, never see your next birthday, or never get to go to school because you are too sick? Could you puck your guts out 20 times a day? Could you be put to sleep every day for a month for brain radiation? Could you go home and have the best time of your life for 8 months than have to go back to the hospital every, single day? Could you lay perfectly still for 30 minutes a day for a month for more brain radiation? Could you fight like Kate? Kate has had to face all these things and more. She doesn't think about all these things though. She lives each day to the fullest. Most people just watch life fly by them. They take life for granted. Then, you look at Kate. Kate is only 7 years old and has had to face things no one should have to. Especially, a child. This amazing little girl fights like heck for her LIFE. Teenagers fight with their parents. Adults fight with their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. Parents fight with their children. But Kate. She fights EVERY DAY for her LIFE.

Ask yourself, could you handle brain cancer at age 5 with no known cure and cruel treatments?

Kate has to EVERY DAY!

 

Colby, you stole my heart.

 meI'm having a bad day. I don't know what is up with today, but I am depressed and tired. I came back from an awesome spring break, and I'm depressed. I promised myself I wouldn't check on the kids while I was on vacation. But I couldn't do it. I had to check on Kate and Tyler. I had to. I couldn't stay away for 3 days. How can I ever go away forever? So, I'm not. I realized even more that, these kids are part of my life. They are part of who I am now. And I can't change that. I like it like that. But days like these aren't great. They absolutely suck.

I miss Colby. A little guy I met while on vacation. Colby is 3 years old. His birthday is in November. Just like Layla's. I will always wonder what day his birthday is. Is it the 15th like Sophie's and McKenna's? Is it the 25th like on of my friend's? Is it the 26th, just like Layla? He had those beautiful blue eyes, just like Layla. I couldn't help but wonder what God put him in my life for. He definitely changed me in just 24 hours. Little Colby. The little guy that I will never see again. I prayed for him this afternoon. For a good life, good fortune, and to hopefully cross paths again. When he gave my that hug in the arcade, he hugged me a little longer than normal. One from him, one from Layla? One may never know. But I know, that little guy stole my heart. I love him with all my heart. I miss the little man. He was such a squirt jumping in the pool saying, "Watch this, girlfriend." He was precious.

Colby, I hope you had fun in the pool today. You won't remember me, but I'll always, always, remember you. I hope you remembered your ball today unlike last night. That beautiful blond hair will get you far one day. You'll be a heart stealer even when you're older. I miss your little voice. I'm glad you were looking out for me when you didn't give me that tootsie roll. I can't chew it with braces and you wouldn't give it to me. I miss you, Colby. You're probably asleep as I type this. Sweet dreams tonight, baby boy. You'll stay with me forever. Love forever and always, Allison.