A year.

Today is my birthday. It should be a happy day. A day to celebrate and have fun like any other 14 year old my age should be doing on their birthday. But not me. A year ago today, the person that taught me more than anyone in the world, the person that touched my life more than anyone ever has and ever will, the person that changed my life from the minute she came into it, the person that I loved and followed in her journey for 8 months before she went to heaven, was told she was dying. Plain and simple. The chemotherapy treatments had failed. She had had the maximum radiation treatments for her lifetime. The alternative treatments weren't working. That there were over 40 tumors in her lungs and her pelvic/hip tumor was spreading down her leg. But she still... still... believed she would be healed on Earth. This time last year, she was still on Earth. She was still believing and having hope and faith. My only wish to God was to heal Ellie on this Earth. To take me instead of her. I couldn't lose my girl. My favorite girl. She taught me so much to that point, I couldn't stop learning. If she was gone, that meant her lessons were over. She wouldn't teach me anything after she took her last breath. It's amazing enough she taught me so much when she was breathing. But it wasn't possible that I could lose Ellie. I couldn't live without her. She was my world. I was so attached. I couldn't have her taken away from me from so pathetic as cancer. I just couldn't. Still everyday I saw her get weaker and weaker. Heard  about her pain and struggle. I believed, too, that she would get the miracle she deserved. The miracle that never came. Ellie was the miracle. But not the miracle we hoped for. Ellie taught me many things in 8 short months. She taught me to smile because there is always something to smile about. Ellie came into my life at a low time. I had just lost my friend and I had never lost anyone close to me before. Ellie pulled me out of the hole I was in. I'll never forget that day she showed up on my computer screen. She had just relapsed with stage 4 cancer and she was smiling. I didn't understand how she did it. I still don't. If I had cancer, period, I don't know how much I could smile. To tell my mom and dad and sister and friends that it was all right. That I would be perfectly fine. Ellie was wise beyond her years. She may have only been 8 but she was smarter than most adults. Until Ellie's last breath, she helped me believe she would be cured on Earth. I had a little hope at 11:34 a.m. June 23, 2010. I had hope she could make it through no matter what the doctors said. No matter how much she struggled to breathe or was in pain. The day my hope started waining the most was the day she stopped walking because it hurt so much. That was the day I faced a hard reality that my girl would soon be gone. But my hope never, EVER stopped until 11:35 a.m. on June 23, 2010. I had to hope. If I didn't, it meant I would accept the inevitable. That I was going to lose my girl forever. That I would never get to see her smiling face. Ellie taught me to have hope through everything, no matter the circumstances. On her dead bed, Ellie told her mom, "Don't worry, Mommy. I'm not going to die." She was going to live! Even in her worst hour, Ellie's spirit was alive! She wasn't going to leave us.

Tomorrow,

As we go to school every day, go to football games and the movies, have sleepovers. As the leaves begin to first fall off the trees, as the summer starts to turn to fall, and the weather starts to get colder. As life goes on without those who used to be there. Tomorrow marks a decade since the attacks on the World Trade Centers and Pentagon, our nation included. I was only 4 years old when 9/11 happened. I don't remember a thing from that day, but I can say I lived through it. There are 2,972 less lives today because of terrorists. 10 years ago at this very moment, those 2,972 didn't know how short their time on Earth was left. For those 2,972 people, they didn't think going to work would be so dangerous. Those 2,972 are not including the people that were injured in the attacks on 9/11. 2,972 precious lives were lost on September 11, 2001. 2,792 lives that should be here today. They were innocent people and didn't deserve to die. No one except criminals deserves to die.

Tomorrow would have been my good friend, Tyler's, 15th birthday. But Tyler is forever 13 years old. I can't believe next month will mark 2 years since the accident. It seems like just yesterday, yet it seems like forever since I saw Tyler. I miss him so much. Tyler's life was cut short in a car accident. He fought for his life for 4 hours. He tried. I know he did. As I type this, "Dancing With the Angels" came on my computer shuffle. Such a powerful song. A sign from Tyler, no doubt. Please, wear your seat belt. It could mean the difference between life and death.

In my lifetime, I've seen many people die that didn't deserve it. My grandpa fought cancer for 2 years before he passed away. No man will ever be as good as my grandpa. You couldn't have met a more caring, outgoing, christian man. He amazes me to this day. I saw Layla die. I saw her became only 18 pounds. Heard her struggles through the updates her mom posted. I saw Ellie die slowly from cancer. I heard her mom's words, "Her chest keeps heaving up and down to get air." Those words haunt me. There have been so many in between. Most recently, Ethan. My Ethan passed away only a month ago. Seems so long yet just like yesterday. I miss him more and more each day.

None of those people deserved to die. No one deserves to die unless they are horrible. Like serial killers. They seem to never die and kill people for years. It's not fair innocent people have to die. It's not fair. It's life though. I can't say life's not fair. Ellie once said, "Life is fair. Life is life. Life's not perfect." If a 7 year old with cancer can say life is fair, I can believe it with all my heart. I hold on to hope that one day, life will be fair.

I'll leave with pictures of the some many people I talked about in this post. May God bless all these families. (My grandpa is not included.)

 

 The 2,972 lives lost almost 10 years ago on September 11, 2001.

 

 Layla Grace Marsh 11/26/07-3/9/10

Tyler Michael Perrow 9/11/96-10/17/09

 Ellie Shoal Potvin 10/31/01-6/23/10

Ethan Taylor Jostad 4/31/02-8/8/11

He's gone.

Ethan got his angel wings at 1:52 p.m. on Monday, August 8, 2011.

To say my heart is broken would be an understatement.

Monday was to be a fun day for me. One of the best in a while. Mom took me and Haley to Emerald Point and we had a blast. As I talked about last time, I felt Sunday would be the day it happened. Now that I look back on it, maybe God didn't want to ruin my care free, fun day Monday. When I got home, I learned my sweet boy had passed away. I miss him already. His sweet smile probably the most. That's one of the thing's that got me through the day some days, and now it's gone with him. I can always look back on old pictures of Ethan and see him smiling back, but it'll never be the same as seeing a picture of him today smiling.

Through this deep pain I'm feeling right now, there's also a peace I can't explain. Ethan doesn't have to worry about cancer, or hospitals, or scans, or anything anymore. Knowing he doesn't have to go through more pain, chemo, radiation, or anything cancer related anymore brings peace. I hope when I get to heaven and see Ethan, he will have gone back to his original weight. Either way, I think Ethan is one of the most handsome little dudes I've ever seen, but I know he liked it when he was bloated from the steroids this past month and a half. It's what he would have wanted to look like.

Ethan,

I want to let you know I love you so much. More than words can say. You touched my so much in the year and a half I came to know you. I'll never forget the winter day on February 17, 2009, that I saw your smiling face in the first picture in the post. Your smile warmed my heart from the beginning. I will never forget you either. I will never take my Team Ethan bracelets off and I will wear my Team Ethan shirt as much as possible. I will spread awareness for childhood cancer in your name. I will go help other children fighting this horrible disease in your name. Ethan buddy, if only I could have met you and told you how much you really mean to me, you would understand. Even then, I don't think I could put in words what you mean to me. You are one of the most amazing people I've ever seen. And I wouldn't change not seeing you for anything in the world. There's a song called "Cryin' For Me" and one line goes, "Even though it hurts the way it ended up, I'd do it all again." It does hurt the way it ended, buddy, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat if it means seeing your beautiful blue eyes, and that beaming smile. I don't care if you're not physically on this Earth anymore. I will always be Team Ethan, and I will never stop supporting you. Your spirit will live on forever, Ethan. I hope I get signs from you as many as possible. I know you are happier where you are now, and with that I have made some peace. I miss you tons. More than words can describe. I miss your smile, your eyes, your voice, just knowing you were breathing and alive. I miss you and every little thing about you and what you did and how you did it and everything, baby. I love you to heaven and back, buddy.

Love always and forever,

Allison

The last picture ever taken of my sweet boy. Rest in peace, bud.

So much is happening right now... I love camp, but it always brings out the worst in people.

Church camp is suppose to be about God. It's suppose to be about making your faith stronger. Getting closer to God, yet, every year something always happens. First year- Katie cutting herself. Second year- Cory drama. Third- Cory, Grayson, Alec drama. My life was changed so much last week. I found out 2 of my friends have been smoking cigarettes. One of them lied to my best friend who's their girlfriend. I thought it was bad when Alec did it. Now, Grayson too. I want to know how this happened. How did they get to the point where this could happen? Alec, I can kind of see. But Grayson? Grayson would never do such a thing, but tonight I was watched him jitter from not having one, it's made me really think. If he wasn't with his church group, I bet he would have went nuts. Camp always brings out stuff that shouldn't happen, but do. Secrets come out, except for mine. Camp never changes my mind about keeping things secret. If I tell, it would change lives as those around me have. So, for now, my secrets are mine. Mine and God's only.

On top of life drama, I'm losing my Ethan. God is going to take him home soon and all day I've been worried about him. I woke up thinking today was the day. It was just a feeling I had. So far, he's still here. But the day's not over yet. I miss his smile already. It's been a week or so since I saw it. My heart is broken just hearing what he is going through. This morning his mom woke up to him sitting in a puddle of blood. I don't know how to feel anymore. In some ways, I feel like God should go on and take him home. He's suffering. He's never awake. He's slowly dying. There! I said it, ETHAN'S DYING! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! Never did I think when I saw the seven year old little boy in a blue jacket with some of the bluest eyes I'd ever seen, holding his dog, that I would fall so in love. Ethan has been my little man for a year and a half now. And now, I'm losing him. He's soon gonna be gone. Gone forever. Today, I begged God to take him home. Stop his suffering. I'm selfish because I still want him here, but I don't want him to suffer like this. With the pain, not being able to breathe, IT'S NOT FAIR!

My emotions are running wild this week. I will be glad when it all settles down. When all my friends can say, "I quit smoking for good," and when Ethan can say, " Don't worry, I am healed. I'm in heaven now." Then, maybe things will be alright.

First post,

Well, today marks 2 years since Kate was diagnosed with her first brain tumor. More on that in the next post though.

Today, I watched a lot of gymnastics. From nationals in 2005-2008 or so, to Olympics 2008. I had a flash back just moments ago that I had to post about.

Watching the 2008 Olympics, their was a teenage girl that had cancer. Her Make-A-Wish was to go to the Olympics and watch the gymnasts compete. The announcer said she was on hospice. I remember asking my mom what that meant. If I only I would have known how well I would know that now. Now, I know it all too well. She told me, "It means they don't think she'll live long." I remember looking at the girl and saying a silent praying that God would give her peace with whatever happened. I don't know what happened to that girl. I may never know. But I recalled it and needed to write about it. I don't know why.

I do know, the words my mom picked were different. Most people would say, "She's going to die soon." But, my mom, not even knowing the girl longer than 5 minutes, said they (as in the doctors) don't THINK she'll make it. God could always give her a miracle. And in that sentence, my mom gave that sense.

For what reason I needed to post that, I don't know. It's short and to the point. But my heart told me to put it on here. I just needed to get it out.

Post I never posted from June.

My silence is mainly from the heartache of this month. With a side of busyness. June will always be a hard month. I think about what was happening last year. My Ellie was losing her battle, struggling to breathe. For 3 weeks, she struggled greatly. The actual day that marked one year didn't feel like it. Mainly because it hasn't hit me yet that she's been gone so long. The 15th I left for a cruise to Bermuda. We got on the ship the next day. It was a blast and I met so many amazing people. They have changed my life forever. Lewis, Chloe, Irish Bob, Sticka, Marcus, our dancing waiter, thank you for giving me one of the best weeks of my life. When we got off the ship, we went down to Myrtle Beach to stay with my brother, his wife, and my niece. My vacation was partly ruined with the news that my brother and sister-in-law are separating soon. I learned right before we left on the cruise. To know my niece won't have both parents by her side at all times breaks my heart. I can't feel mad at my brother, but he's the reason they're splitting up. For 4 and a half years, they seemed perfect together. The last time we came to visit them though, something had changed. I could feel it. That was only a few weeks ago and now they're done. Well, we spent the night in Myrtle Beach and the next day was Ellie's one year. I'm glad I got to see the beach for Ellie's one year. She loved the beach and imagined heaven that way. I only wish I could see her heavenly beach. I couldn't cry all day if I wanted to. I wouldn't have anyway, but that's beside the point. We didn't get home until about 7. I honestly didn't think of Ellie too much that day. It was just too painful to think about it. Especially, since I couldn't cry. I still haven't really reflected on the last year. It'll come one day. When I got home, my heart broke in two though.

Ethan. Happy, smiling, funny, joyous, strong, amazing Ethan.

Ethan's cancer is back. It's everywhere.

God, please heal Ethan here on Earth.

I've prayed for Ethan over a year. He caught my from the time I saw him. He was only 7 at the time and going through chemo. For 8 more months, I saw him go through harsh chemo and then, he went into remission! I was so excited. I loved Ethan from the start. When he started maintence chemo, I thought YES! He can get chemo with no side effects and he'll still having something in his system to fight cancer if it does come back. If you've seen my earlier post, go back to April where Ethan gave us a "scare." In January, Ethan came down with the BK virus. For 2 months, he was off maintence chemo because the BK virus was still visible. In March, he had 2 tests in a row that showed the virus was gone and he started maintence again. But, he also started having pains in his side. For a month, he handled it but it got worse and worse. So, an ultrasound was ordered that found a mass near his liver (now we know it really was a tumor.) A CT scan was ordered that was clear. But, at the time, the cancer was in his bones not his organs. A CT scan can't show what's in the bone. If only the doctors would have done an MRI, they would have seen the cancer was back and would have probably been caught early and not spread. But with the CT scan, everything looked normal besides something that the doctor said. She hoped it was just radiation changes. In the cancer world, I've come realize "radiation changes" often lead to relapses. First, Kate and now, Ethan. So, I came home to really bad news. My heart still hurts. Ethan is on day 4 of chemo now and he has one day left. 2 weeks off and then 5 more days. Hopefully after that, scans will commence and he will be on the road to cancer free again! Ethan's chance of survival is now 10%. Breaks my heart. But, I hold on to faith and just hope he falls into that 10%. I only know of one more relapsed stage 4 alveolar rhabdomyosarcoma survivor. I only wish that Ethan will someday fall into that category, too.

I'll leave you with the first picture of Ethan I ever saw. February 17, 2010, changed my life forever.

Wow.

June 1, 2011. How did I get here? On June 23, 2010, I would have never thought this time would go by so fast but so slow. In 22 days, it'll mark one year. One year without you. One year without the most important thing in my life. One year without my beautiful, amazing Ellie. How did a year go by so fast? How did it go by so slow? It feels like forever that I was able to see her face. It's been over a year since I saw her. The last picture ever, May 30, 2010. I miss my girl a lot tonight. I miss the years she didn't live. I miss all the smiles that showed on her face. I miss the sparkle in her eye. I miss her spunky, fighting spirit. I miss her everything. I miss her. Period. It's almost been a year since she flew home. Since she became cancer and pain free. That's the best part. No more cancer. No more pain. Bittersweet. My heart is heavy tonight and I don't feel like writing more. I miss my Ellie more than words can say. I can't believe how fast this year has gone. I'm one year closer to being with her again. In heaven. She no longer suffers. I miss you, Ellie. I love you... to heaven and back again.