Ellie's 9 month, I miss you.

 

 

Ellie right before she was given 4 weeks to live. Then... she survived 7 more months. Another life miracle!

9 longgggggggg months without her. I miss her so much. I think about her every day. If I didn't see that smile every day... I would die. I would not be able to live without that smile. Never. I've seen that smile every day since February 17, 2010. I don't plan to ever stop. I would do anything to see her smile just one more time. So many things have happened since she left. I wonder if she can see down here. See what's happening on Earth. I hope so. When I get to heaven, I hope she's the first person I see. I can't wait until that day. But I have to. So, I live today for her. For the days she didn't get to see. So, that maybe, just maybe, she'll be proud of me. I want to live out her legacy. For that is all she has now. I live today and not tomorrow. Like she lived her life back then. So, I'll sign off with this. I miss you. I love you. To heaven and back and to heaven again. Back down to Earth and infinity times.

So much is happening,

 

Kate's brain radiation is going well. She is able to do it awake which is excellent for a child. Kate amazes me everyday. My heart breaks knowing her hair will start to fall out around the end of the week or next week. I'll miss her beautiful hair. But hopefully, she will go back to remission and be able to grow it back once more! That will be a happy day! Until then, I will cherish the pictures of her with hair. I just can't believe after all she's been through she will once again have to lose her hair. This will be the 3rd time she lost her hair. When diagnosed, when she had her stem cell transplant (she just had peach fuzz BUT hair!), and now. Cancer SUCKS!

 

Savannah Hope Swandel

2/23/00-3/21/11

Savannah's battle ended today at 12:18 p.m. She fought rhabdomyosarcoma for 5 years. She was diagnosed at the age of 5. 5 years old and her world was changed forever. Savannah has inspired many. She inspired me. She stole the heart of many people including mine.

Sometimes, I don't know what I would do without the kids. Tonight is one of those nights. Some days, I feel like I can't take the heartache anymore. But I come to realize, they are part of me now. There is no way I could abandon them. Especially, precious ones still fighting. I don't want to learn 20 years from now that one has passed. Thinking all that time they were doing good. I remember when I learned about a little girl named Bizzie passing. It was about 3 weeks or so when I heard. I was so mad at myself for not making sure she was okay. Now, I realize there is no way I could have looked at every kid. I have probably 400, maybe more, kids I follow. I can't look at them all in a few weeks. Less all in one day. My heartaches with these families. I can't imagine what they're going through. I've never lost a child. I've never had a child. But I know when I do, I'll cherish mine a little more because I've seen them be taken away. I've looked at any child different since February 17, 2010. It's amazing how much these kids can change your life. You see what they go through in one day and it truly inspires you forever. I know from personally experience. Last night, I thought the day was going to be good. I thought I was doing good about getting in the depressed mode. Until, I thought about Ellie. I couldn't stop. I started reading her journal entries from the beginning and listening to Hey Ellie over and over again. I missed my girl so much. I just broke down. It took a little thought and I slipped. But I took a hot shower and by the time I got out, I had a new hope. I prayed and thanked God like I have so many times before. He helped me and I thanked Him again. I went to bed and was feeling good. Today was a sad day since I've been home. My heart aches knowing Savannah is gone. But I'm glad she's not in pain any longer. I looked for updates on her yesterday and saw she couldn't walk and could hardly move her arms. She didn't deserve that pain. I'm glad she is forever healed and will never have to worry about cancer, chemo, radiation, surgery, hospitals, or anything the last 5 years of her life have been about. She is at peace and I know she is forever watching over us with her big smile.

Sal's battle also ended the 19th. I've followed him for a year. He really touched my heart. I knew in the days before, he wouldn't have much time left. I hadn't been checking on him until the other day. God made me open his website the other day and I saw he was not doing well. I now know it's because he would soon be gone and I needed to cherish him while he was here. Now, he's gone. Rest in peace, sweet Sal. Forever 8<3

I'll be ending with a verse from Savannah's song, "Every Time Savannah Smiles"

"It's like a little piece of heaven peeking through the clouds, every time Savannah smiles."

I'm back,

I've been quiet the last week and a half. With Layla and Sophie's angelversery, the beach trip, and everything else, I just haven't had time or wanted to talk to anyone. Layla's angelversery was full of tears but bittersweet. Sophie's was just the same. The beach trip was amazing. I couldn't stop thinking of my Ellie and Layla. Ellie absolutely loved the beach. This was the first time I actually stayed at the beach since her passing. I wen ton a cruise but that's the closest I got to the beach last year. I think I needed anyways. I needed time to heal. I cried when we left. I knew I'd come home and wouldn't have reminders the Ellie is always with me. I know she is but I don't constantly think about it. I'm gonna go. I'll talk later.

Poster Project for Computer Skills

Ellie Shoal Potvin- 10/31/01-6/23/10

Layla Grace Marsh- 11/26/07-3/9/10

Kate Elizabeth McRae- 12/26/03

McKenna Maiorana- 11/15/08

Taylor Love- 6/27/05

Daisy Love Merrick-

Ezra David Matthews- 9/31/08-11/8/10

Braden Hofen- 

Cole

Keegan Ray Dixson-

Ethan Taylor Jostad-

Skye Alexandria Jetter-

Jensen

Samantha Arnett-

Alexander Edwin Brown-

Hannah Grace Harrison-

Lena 

Colyn McDaniel-

Brynn Elizabeth Woods-

Austin Tyler Thompson-

Summer Claire-

Nathan Moran-

 

Joseph "Joe" Brady Hill

3/20/97-3/2/11

Today was definitely harder than yesterday. We may have lost Joe yesterday, but it is so much harder seeing his friends cry and everything. I have friends from Dan River at dance. On of my best friends was best friends with Joe. She was at dance tonight. We talked about him the whole two hours. I just wanna say this... Some people need to have some respect. This other girl in our dance class was not very respectful and it made us kind of mad. We were talking about Joe and everything and this other girl came up and said, "Well, we have Tyler at our school." It shouldn't matter how many kids died at your school! That's not something I want to say about my friends being dead! It's not something to be proud if you have more dead kids! Joe died from cancer, Tyler from a car accident. They were two different people! Don't compare them! I doubt they even knew each other! Tyler was brain dead for 4 hours before he was taken off life support, Joe had been battling cancer for 7 months! Two boys with completely different stories! It shouldn't matter which school has more dead students! I wish neither one of them had died but you don't always get what you wish for. Please don't compare two people that have nothing to do with each other. It would have been different if she had said, "We know how you feel because we lost Tyler," and everything but, she said it in this snooty tone and I didn't like it. I didn't even know Joe but I will stand up for what is right.

Sorry, but I had to get that out. It made me furious. It just doesn't make since why someone would do that.

I've seen many kids die from cancer. I don't compare any of them. Every kid is different and has a different story. It's not right to think of them as the same because they aren't on this Earth anymore.

Bad day with a hint of good,

Today has been hard already. Joe passed away today. Rest in peace, Joe<3 I don't know if I'll go to his funeral. I might just to support my friends that knew him. 13 is not enough years in one life.

Mackenzie also gained her wings early this morning. Rest in peace, Mackenzie<3

I've been sad for the past couple days just thinking about this time last year. Layla was on her last leg this time last year. In 7 days, it'll be a year. March 9, 2010, I would have told you it would be forever until a year had passed. Today, it feels like just yesterday she was here on Earth. I miss my little sweetheart.

Now, for the GOOD NEWS!......

My story got second place in the 8th grade! Go Ellie!

I am so excited I get to go to the next round! I couldn't have done it without my Ellie in heaven<3 Thank you so much, baby girl! I have to type it tomorrow during second period. I don't know if I'll be able to do it without crying. I cried a little when I wrote it, but this time it is different. This is state! Ellie's story will be told to even more people! People that don't even know about other kids with cancer or even if kids get cancer! The disappointing news is... I have to change the names. Ellie and Grace's name will no longer be able to be used in the story. I wish it was different, but I don't want to be disqualified. As long as someone learns of childhood cancer, I feel like I've done something more to raise awareness. I have decided on the names to substitute. Kate Elizabeth (After Kate McRae) Davis and Taylor Nicole (After Taylor Love) Davis. Kate will be Ellie and Taylor will be Grace. Both girls relapsed with cancer recently and I want to honor them some way. So, the story will now be Ellie's life played by Kate.

 Kate during her first battle with brain cancer.

 Kate today at M.D. Anderson.

 Kate recently with her toothless grin!

Kate and her parents Friday.

 Kate had an MRI a couple hours. No reports it yet. I pray that the tumors have not grown a lot in a month. It gives me a little hope they haven't grown too much that he spinal tap last week was clear.

I found a lot of pictures of Kate last night so, I added a few. she continues to amaze me everyday. The top one is one of my favorite of her. I'll post more pictures as I post more things about her.

 

Trey,

 My favorite picture of Trey, May 22, 2010, my 13th birthday.

 Trey in February 2010, we never thought he would make it after this surgery. You can tell he's swollen.

  Trey only minutes before he forever became an angel.

I've been missing the baby boy the past couple of days. I don't know if it's because the 5 month anniversary to heaven just passed, the big flock of birds I saw yesterday and the day before, or that his dad just got shipped to Afghan. Whatever it is, Trey's been on my mind. Birds are my sign from him. Let me tell you the story.

On the night of Trey's visitation, I was walking into the funeral home with mom when I looked up and saw hundreds of birds. It felt perfect that Trey would send birds to let me know he was okay and in heaven. From that day on, every time I see a big flock of birds, I think of Trey. It's just his little message to remind me, he's never far away.

One day, I'll tell his parents and the other family I know, but for now, it's just between Trey and me. I like to know we have our special little thing. I miss his little self tonight.