A year.

Today is my birthday. It should be a happy day. A day to celebrate and have fun like any other 14 year old my age should be doing on their birthday. But not me. A year ago today, the person that taught me more than anyone in the world, the person that touched my life more than anyone ever has and ever will, the person that changed my life from the minute she came into it, the person that I loved and followed in her journey for 8 months before she went to heaven, was told she was dying. Plain and simple. The chemotherapy treatments had failed. She had had the maximum radiation treatments for her lifetime. The alternative treatments weren't working. That there were over 40 tumors in her lungs and her pelvic/hip tumor was spreading down her leg. But she still... still... believed she would be healed on Earth. This time last year, she was still on Earth. She was still believing and having hope and faith. My only wish to God was to heal Ellie on this Earth. To take me instead of her. I couldn't lose my girl. My favorite girl. She taught me so much to that point, I couldn't stop learning. If she was gone, that meant her lessons were over. She wouldn't teach me anything after she took her last breath. It's amazing enough she taught me so much when she was breathing. But it wasn't possible that I could lose Ellie. I couldn't live without her. She was my world. I was so attached. I couldn't have her taken away from me from so pathetic as cancer. I just couldn't. Still everyday I saw her get weaker and weaker. Heard  about her pain and struggle. I believed, too, that she would get the miracle she deserved. The miracle that never came. Ellie was the miracle. But not the miracle we hoped for. Ellie taught me many things in 8 short months. She taught me to smile because there is always something to smile about. Ellie came into my life at a low time. I had just lost my friend and I had never lost anyone close to me before. Ellie pulled me out of the hole I was in. I'll never forget that day she showed up on my computer screen. She had just relapsed with stage 4 cancer and she was smiling. I didn't understand how she did it. I still don't. If I had cancer, period, I don't know how much I could smile. To tell my mom and dad and sister and friends that it was all right. That I would be perfectly fine. Ellie was wise beyond her years. She may have only been 8 but she was smarter than most adults. Until Ellie's last breath, she helped me believe she would be cured on Earth. I had a little hope at 11:34 a.m. June 23, 2010. I had hope she could make it through no matter what the doctors said. No matter how much she struggled to breathe or was in pain. The day my hope started waining the most was the day she stopped walking because it hurt so much. That was the day I faced a hard reality that my girl would soon be gone. But my hope never, EVER stopped until 11:35 a.m. on June 23, 2010. I had to hope. If I didn't, it meant I would accept the inevitable. That I was going to lose my girl forever. That I would never get to see her smiling face. Ellie taught me to have hope through everything, no matter the circumstances. On her dead bed, Ellie told her mom, "Don't worry, Mommy. I'm not going to die." She was going to live! Even in her worst hour, Ellie's spirit was alive! She wasn't going to leave us.

Tomorrow,

As we go to school every day, go to football games and the movies, have sleepovers. As the leaves begin to first fall off the trees, as the summer starts to turn to fall, and the weather starts to get colder. As life goes on without those who used to be there. Tomorrow marks a decade since the attacks on the World Trade Centers and Pentagon, our nation included. I was only 4 years old when 9/11 happened. I don't remember a thing from that day, but I can say I lived through it. There are 2,972 less lives today because of terrorists. 10 years ago at this very moment, those 2,972 didn't know how short their time on Earth was left. For those 2,972 people, they didn't think going to work would be so dangerous. Those 2,972 are not including the people that were injured in the attacks on 9/11. 2,972 precious lives were lost on September 11, 2001. 2,792 lives that should be here today. They were innocent people and didn't deserve to die. No one except criminals deserves to die.

Tomorrow would have been my good friend, Tyler's, 15th birthday. But Tyler is forever 13 years old. I can't believe next month will mark 2 years since the accident. It seems like just yesterday, yet it seems like forever since I saw Tyler. I miss him so much. Tyler's life was cut short in a car accident. He fought for his life for 4 hours. He tried. I know he did. As I type this, "Dancing With the Angels" came on my computer shuffle. Such a powerful song. A sign from Tyler, no doubt. Please, wear your seat belt. It could mean the difference between life and death.

In my lifetime, I've seen many people die that didn't deserve it. My grandpa fought cancer for 2 years before he passed away. No man will ever be as good as my grandpa. You couldn't have met a more caring, outgoing, christian man. He amazes me to this day. I saw Layla die. I saw her became only 18 pounds. Heard her struggles through the updates her mom posted. I saw Ellie die slowly from cancer. I heard her mom's words, "Her chest keeps heaving up and down to get air." Those words haunt me. There have been so many in between. Most recently, Ethan. My Ethan passed away only a month ago. Seems so long yet just like yesterday. I miss him more and more each day.

None of those people deserved to die. No one deserves to die unless they are horrible. Like serial killers. They seem to never die and kill people for years. It's not fair innocent people have to die. It's not fair. It's life though. I can't say life's not fair. Ellie once said, "Life is fair. Life is life. Life's not perfect." If a 7 year old with cancer can say life is fair, I can believe it with all my heart. I hold on to hope that one day, life will be fair.

I'll leave with pictures of the some many people I talked about in this post. May God bless all these families. (My grandpa is not included.)

 

 The 2,972 lives lost almost 10 years ago on September 11, 2001.

 

 Layla Grace Marsh 11/26/07-3/9/10

Tyler Michael Perrow 9/11/96-10/17/09

 Ellie Shoal Potvin 10/31/01-6/23/10

Ethan Taylor Jostad 4/31/02-8/8/11

He's gone.

Ethan got his angel wings at 1:52 p.m. on Monday, August 8, 2011.

To say my heart is broken would be an understatement.

Monday was to be a fun day for me. One of the best in a while. Mom took me and Haley to Emerald Point and we had a blast. As I talked about last time, I felt Sunday would be the day it happened. Now that I look back on it, maybe God didn't want to ruin my care free, fun day Monday. When I got home, I learned my sweet boy had passed away. I miss him already. His sweet smile probably the most. That's one of the thing's that got me through the day some days, and now it's gone with him. I can always look back on old pictures of Ethan and see him smiling back, but it'll never be the same as seeing a picture of him today smiling.

Through this deep pain I'm feeling right now, there's also a peace I can't explain. Ethan doesn't have to worry about cancer, or hospitals, or scans, or anything anymore. Knowing he doesn't have to go through more pain, chemo, radiation, or anything cancer related anymore brings peace. I hope when I get to heaven and see Ethan, he will have gone back to his original weight. Either way, I think Ethan is one of the most handsome little dudes I've ever seen, but I know he liked it when he was bloated from the steroids this past month and a half. It's what he would have wanted to look like.

Ethan,

I want to let you know I love you so much. More than words can say. You touched my so much in the year and a half I came to know you. I'll never forget the winter day on February 17, 2009, that I saw your smiling face in the first picture in the post. Your smile warmed my heart from the beginning. I will never forget you either. I will never take my Team Ethan bracelets off and I will wear my Team Ethan shirt as much as possible. I will spread awareness for childhood cancer in your name. I will go help other children fighting this horrible disease in your name. Ethan buddy, if only I could have met you and told you how much you really mean to me, you would understand. Even then, I don't think I could put in words what you mean to me. You are one of the most amazing people I've ever seen. And I wouldn't change not seeing you for anything in the world. There's a song called "Cryin' For Me" and one line goes, "Even though it hurts the way it ended up, I'd do it all again." It does hurt the way it ended, buddy, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat if it means seeing your beautiful blue eyes, and that beaming smile. I don't care if you're not physically on this Earth anymore. I will always be Team Ethan, and I will never stop supporting you. Your spirit will live on forever, Ethan. I hope I get signs from you as many as possible. I know you are happier where you are now, and with that I have made some peace. I miss you tons. More than words can describe. I miss your smile, your eyes, your voice, just knowing you were breathing and alive. I miss you and every little thing about you and what you did and how you did it and everything, baby. I love you to heaven and back, buddy.

Love always and forever,

Allison

The last picture ever taken of my sweet boy. Rest in peace, bud.

So much is happening right now... I love camp, but it always brings out the worst in people.

Church camp is suppose to be about God. It's suppose to be about making your faith stronger. Getting closer to God, yet, every year something always happens. First year- Katie cutting herself. Second year- Cory drama. Third- Cory, Grayson, Alec drama. My life was changed so much last week. I found out 2 of my friends have been smoking cigarettes. One of them lied to my best friend who's their girlfriend. I thought it was bad when Alec did it. Now, Grayson too. I want to know how this happened. How did they get to the point where this could happen? Alec, I can kind of see. But Grayson? Grayson would never do such a thing, but tonight I was watched him jitter from not having one, it's made me really think. If he wasn't with his church group, I bet he would have went nuts. Camp always brings out stuff that shouldn't happen, but do. Secrets come out, except for mine. Camp never changes my mind about keeping things secret. If I tell, it would change lives as those around me have. So, for now, my secrets are mine. Mine and God's only.

On top of life drama, I'm losing my Ethan. God is going to take him home soon and all day I've been worried about him. I woke up thinking today was the day. It was just a feeling I had. So far, he's still here. But the day's not over yet. I miss his smile already. It's been a week or so since I saw it. My heart is broken just hearing what he is going through. This morning his mom woke up to him sitting in a puddle of blood. I don't know how to feel anymore. In some ways, I feel like God should go on and take him home. He's suffering. He's never awake. He's slowly dying. There! I said it, ETHAN'S DYING! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! Never did I think when I saw the seven year old little boy in a blue jacket with some of the bluest eyes I'd ever seen, holding his dog, that I would fall so in love. Ethan has been my little man for a year and a half now. And now, I'm losing him. He's soon gonna be gone. Gone forever. Today, I begged God to take him home. Stop his suffering. I'm selfish because I still want him here, but I don't want him to suffer like this. With the pain, not being able to breathe, IT'S NOT FAIR!

My emotions are running wild this week. I will be glad when it all settles down. When all my friends can say, "I quit smoking for good," and when Ethan can say, " Don't worry, I am healed. I'm in heaven now." Then, maybe things will be alright.

First post,

Well, today marks 2 years since Kate was diagnosed with her first brain tumor. More on that in the next post though.

Today, I watched a lot of gymnastics. From nationals in 2005-2008 or so, to Olympics 2008. I had a flash back just moments ago that I had to post about.

Watching the 2008 Olympics, their was a teenage girl that had cancer. Her Make-A-Wish was to go to the Olympics and watch the gymnasts compete. The announcer said she was on hospice. I remember asking my mom what that meant. If I only I would have known how well I would know that now. Now, I know it all too well. She told me, "It means they don't think she'll live long." I remember looking at the girl and saying a silent praying that God would give her peace with whatever happened. I don't know what happened to that girl. I may never know. But I recalled it and needed to write about it. I don't know why.

I do know, the words my mom picked were different. Most people would say, "She's going to die soon." But, my mom, not even knowing the girl longer than 5 minutes, said they (as in the doctors) don't THINK she'll make it. God could always give her a miracle. And in that sentence, my mom gave that sense.

For what reason I needed to post that, I don't know. It's short and to the point. But my heart told me to put it on here. I just needed to get it out.

Post I never posted from June.

My silence is mainly from the heartache of this month. With a side of busyness. June will always be a hard month. I think about what was happening last year. My Ellie was losing her battle, struggling to breathe. For 3 weeks, she struggled greatly. The actual day that marked one year didn't feel like it. Mainly because it hasn't hit me yet that she's been gone so long. The 15th I left for a cruise to Bermuda. We got on the ship the next day. It was a blast and I met so many amazing people. They have changed my life forever. Lewis, Chloe, Irish Bob, Sticka, Marcus, our dancing waiter, thank you for giving me one of the best weeks of my life. When we got off the ship, we went down to Myrtle Beach to stay with my brother, his wife, and my niece. My vacation was partly ruined with the news that my brother and sister-in-law are separating soon. I learned right before we left on the cruise. To know my niece won't have both parents by her side at all times breaks my heart. I can't feel mad at my brother, but he's the reason they're splitting up. For 4 and a half years, they seemed perfect together. The last time we came to visit them though, something had changed. I could feel it. That was only a few weeks ago and now they're done. Well, we spent the night in Myrtle Beach and the next day was Ellie's one year. I'm glad I got to see the beach for Ellie's one year. She loved the beach and imagined heaven that way. I only wish I could see her heavenly beach. I couldn't cry all day if I wanted to. I wouldn't have anyway, but that's beside the point. We didn't get home until about 7. I honestly didn't think of Ellie too much that day. It was just too painful to think about it. Especially, since I couldn't cry. I still haven't really reflected on the last year. It'll come one day. When I got home, my heart broke in two though.

Ethan. Happy, smiling, funny, joyous, strong, amazing Ethan.

Ethan's cancer is back. It's everywhere.

God, please heal Ethan here on Earth.

I've prayed for Ethan over a year. He caught my from the time I saw him. He was only 7 at the time and going through chemo. For 8 more months, I saw him go through harsh chemo and then, he went into remission! I was so excited. I loved Ethan from the start. When he started maintence chemo, I thought YES! He can get chemo with no side effects and he'll still having something in his system to fight cancer if it does come back. If you've seen my earlier post, go back to April where Ethan gave us a "scare." In January, Ethan came down with the BK virus. For 2 months, he was off maintence chemo because the BK virus was still visible. In March, he had 2 tests in a row that showed the virus was gone and he started maintence again. But, he also started having pains in his side. For a month, he handled it but it got worse and worse. So, an ultrasound was ordered that found a mass near his liver (now we know it really was a tumor.) A CT scan was ordered that was clear. But, at the time, the cancer was in his bones not his organs. A CT scan can't show what's in the bone. If only the doctors would have done an MRI, they would have seen the cancer was back and would have probably been caught early and not spread. But with the CT scan, everything looked normal besides something that the doctor said. She hoped it was just radiation changes. In the cancer world, I've come realize "radiation changes" often lead to relapses. First, Kate and now, Ethan. So, I came home to really bad news. My heart still hurts. Ethan is on day 4 of chemo now and he has one day left. 2 weeks off and then 5 more days. Hopefully after that, scans will commence and he will be on the road to cancer free again! Ethan's chance of survival is now 10%. Breaks my heart. But, I hold on to faith and just hope he falls into that 10%. I only know of one more relapsed stage 4 alveolar rhabdomyosarcoma survivor. I only wish that Ethan will someday fall into that category, too.

I'll leave you with the first picture of Ethan I ever saw. February 17, 2010, changed my life forever.

Wow.

June 1, 2011. How did I get here? On June 23, 2010, I would have never thought this time would go by so fast but so slow. In 22 days, it'll mark one year. One year without you. One year without the most important thing in my life. One year without my beautiful, amazing Ellie. How did a year go by so fast? How did it go by so slow? It feels like forever that I was able to see her face. It's been over a year since I saw her. The last picture ever, May 30, 2010. I miss my girl a lot tonight. I miss the years she didn't live. I miss all the smiles that showed on her face. I miss the sparkle in her eye. I miss her spunky, fighting spirit. I miss her everything. I miss her. Period. It's almost been a year since she flew home. Since she became cancer and pain free. That's the best part. No more cancer. No more pain. Bittersweet. My heart is heavy tonight and I don't feel like writing more. I miss my Ellie more than words can say. I can't believe how fast this year has gone. I'm one year closer to being with her again. In heaven. She no longer suffers. I miss you, Ellie. I love you... to heaven and back again.

Recent Kate pictures and my new favorite song.

Kate on a helicopter ride while in Hawaii.

 Kate holding her daddy's hand on the way to the helicopter. Such a moving picture.

 Kate, her sister, Olivia, and brother, Will, watching the sunset in Hawaii.

  Kate having so much fun in Hawaii before having another MRI and beginning chemotherapy again.

Kate before she had surgery Friday to place a port to start chemotherapy once again.

 Kate a little grumpy after surgery, but it went great!

You  Give Me Hope

By: Between the Trees

I look,

At your smiling face.

You're so weak,

Yet you have such strength.

You take,

A glance around this place.

You make,

The best,

Of everything.

You give me hope,

In-spite of everything.

You show me love,

Even with so much pain.

So, I'll take this life,

And live like I,

Was given another try.

We laugh,

We cry.

Sometimes we're broken,

And we don't know why.

When I'm tired,

And I lose my way.

You help me find faith.

You give me hope.

In-spite of everything.

You show me love,

Even with so much pain.

So, I'll take this life,

And live like I,

Was given another try.

Just give me another try.

You give me hope,

In-spite of everything.

You show me love,

Even with so much pain.

So, I'll take this life,

And live like I,

Was given another try.

You give me hope,

In-spite of everything.

You show me love,

Even with so much pain.

So, I'll take this life,

And live like I,

Was given another try.

Just give me another try.

just give me another try.

 

I needed to get this out.

Long time no post. Between being extremely depressed, not wanting to get depressed when feeling happy, and not having enough time, I haven't posted. Silence is all you'll get from me.

Last night was senior night of dance recital. I'll miss the seniors so much. To Kelsey, you're one of the best dancers I know. I look up to you so much. I'll never forget you and your hair, lol. I know you're not going far and you'll definitely be back. To Veronica, as I was watching you tonight at age ten, I notice you haven't changed much. Ahaa, you're still the same Veronica. You're a great dancer. Even at age ten, you were up on stage just a smiling. You shine. To Rachael, you crazy nut. I'll miss hearing you sing LOUD next year. It's going to be so quiet. I don't know what we're going to do. I only met you this year but you're great. You and your crazy eggself. I'll never forget you rolling on the floor like an egg. To Jessica, the hardest one. We spent all year together. We got through thick and thin with those little girls. I'll never forget all your bunny hops. The time you told me about your Saturday. Haha, that really showed me. You may be a bubble head but I love ya! At least the best part of you being a senior is, you don't have to put up with the little girls anymore. Wish me luck next year... You made me laugh so much this year. It won't be the same without you. Thanks for assisting with me this year. You too, Rachael. It was great. You both really made this year memorable.

To my other friends that dance. To Caitlin- I love you. You are so funny sometimes. And I'm still jealous of how long your hair is. You better not cut it! We had some good times this year. And your hair looked beautiful after Megan and Emily did it last night. xD To Taylor- You funny nut with the Pebbles' hair. I'll never get that picture out of my mind of you and that hair. I love it. Ahaha. You are just hilarious. Boy obsessed, too. To Kaitlynne- You are the best. I pick on you but it's cause I love ya. I missed you last night at Los Tres! You loser. Kidding. I'll miss you this summer but you better text me! To Kendall- I love you girll. All our crazy times. All the drama this year. We stood by and nothing stopped us! I'm gonna miss doing your hair for Crazy. That was so much fun. Being your assistant. We rock Chipmunk Party backstage! I could say so many things about you. You're one of the funniest people I have ever met. It's great. I'll miss you the most. Most of the other girls I'll see. But not you. ): You need to text me, too!

Kate's almost done!

 Kate getting proton brain radiation to the 2 new tumors last week.

 Kate at the movies in Houston after brain and spine radiation a couple weeks ago.

Tomorrow is Kate's last day of proton radiation. Of course, I am so glad she is finally done, but it scares me because I don't want any cancer cell untouched. I'm glad she won't have to be bolted down a table (hopefully) every again.I just hope no cancer cell survives. There will be after radiation treatment, but they aren't sure what to do quite yet. Chemo? Maybe. Other drugs? Maybe. She will soon get an MRI to make sure the cancer has not returned to the original tumor bed. The tumor bed has not been radiated these past 8 weeks. I pray the cancer is not there, too. She will also be scheduled to have a port placed again. She had her removed once she finished radiation last year. She didn't need one for radiation since she wasn't put under sedation.

Pray tomorrow, if there are any cancer cells left that they would be destroyed.

Pray for comfort, peace, and God's work for Kate and her family.

Pray for the right direction for the next course of treatment.

Saturday night,

Saturday night was a bad night.I listened to my iPod. I didn't meanto cry like I did. I was listening to it on shuffle. Everything was good. Then, One Last Christmas came on by Matthew West. 

The song was written for 2 year old Dax who the doctors said wouldn't make it to see Christmas. He was diagnosed with AML at only a year old. He went through 2 bone marrow transplants, but the cancer still spread. He was sent home to live the rest of his life. His family prayed he would make it for one last Christmas. First, his parents put up the Christmas lights early in case he didn't make it. Then, the neighborhood. Then, the whole town. Then, people all over the world. People put up their Christmas lights just for Dax. Dax made it to one last Christmas and flew to heaven on December 30, 2009.

Well, the song came on. Every time I listen to it, it makes me cry. Every single time. So, I cried. I decided that I was going to reflect on every child that I was touched by. I listened to Hey Ellie, Layla, Whenever Savannah Smiles, Little Light, Streets of Heaven, Braid My Hair, Hands, Only Grace, Hope Now, What Faith Can Do, and many more songs that remind me of these kids. And I cried and cried and cried. I cried until I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore. It's been a long time since I cried myself to sleep. October actually.

My heart was having a heavy night.

THANK YOU LORD!

ETHAN'S SCANS WERE CLEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so overjoyed at the news from yesterday!

I can't believe it.

THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

Ethan has NOT relapsed!

I cried and cried when I saw the news.

 This is a picture of Ethan from the night they found the mass. He was still smiling even though it might have meant his cancer was back. He is my true hero.

GO ETHAN!

KICKING CANCER'S BUTT!

WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH! 

 

I HATE YOU, CANCER!

 I hate all cancer. I hate rhabdomyosarcoma. I hate neuroblastoma. I hate supratentorial primitive neuroectodermal tumor. I hate Wilm's tumor. I hate craniopharyngioma. I hate adrenocortical carcinoma. I hate acute lymphoblastic leukemia. I hate acute myeloid leukemia. I hate acute promyelocytic leukemia. I hate myelodysplasia. I hate primitive neuroectodermal tumor. I hate atypical teratoid/ rhabdoid tumor. I hate hepatoblastoma. I hate  diffuse instrinsic pontine glioma. I hate ependymoma. I hate astrocytoma. I hate osteosarcoma. I hate Ewing's sarcoma. I hate pleuropulmonary blastoma. I hate malignant fibrous histocytomas. I hate rhabdoid tumor. I hate hepatocellular carcinoma. I hate retinoblastoma. I hate medulloblastoma. I hate lymphoblastic lymphoma. I hate Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I hate Hodgkin's lymphoma. I hate choroid plexus tumor. I hate colorectal carcinoma. I hate desmoid tumors. I hate desmoplastic small round cell tumor. I hate endocrine tumors. I hate ganglioglioma. I hate non-rhabdomyosarcoma soft tissue sarcoma. I hate germ cell tumors. I hate melanoma. I hate oligodendroglioma. I hate optic pathway tumor. I hate all cancers. I hate cancer! I hate it all!

Ethan.

 

 Ethan had been having pains in his side for the past few weeks. I was hoping it would be just a little pain from his medicine. But today, we learned otherwise.

This morning Ethan had an ultrasound. A few hours later, they got the results.

There is a mass near his liver.

Ethan has been cancer free for 6 months.

His last scans in early February were clear.

Ethan came down with BK virus two months ago and was unable to continue with maintenance chemotherapy that his parents worked so hard to get him.

It took 2 months for 2 of his BK tests to come back clear.

When this happened last week, he was planning to start his next round of maintenance today.

He had treatment this morning, but he probably will not be able to continue.

Ethan will have a CT scan in the morning.

I pray with all my heart that a miracle happens and the mass is gone or at least not cancerous. A cyst maybe.

Anything. Anything. Anything but cancer.

My heart is broke.

After February, I was hoping the relapse thing was over.

But.

Obvisiously not.

Kate finished with brain and spine radiation yesterday! Today, she started proton radiation to the 2 new tumors that were found in February. I pray every cancer cell is killed. Every single cell. Her hair has all fallen out, too. She shaved it a couple weeks ago to make it easier. She will soon lay her hair out and let the birds make a nest out of it like Daisy.

 God willing she is done with cancer treatment forever! GO DAISY!Daisy's hair has begun to come back. You see those little blond hairs. It's not much but it's growing! Yay!

 I had a special dream last night.

I got to meet Kate.

I was in a restaurant and I saw Kate with her mom, dad, and brother. I'm not sure where her sister was. I ate and walked over to them. Kate looked sick and tired. It broke my heart. She didn't smile while I was talking to her. She just laid there with her head on her mom's shoulder. She looked like she didn't feel good. I talked with Will some, too. He was a sweetie. My parents called me and told me we had to leave. I gave Kate a hug, told her I hoped she felt better, and walked away. As I turned back to wave goodbye one last time, Kate raised her head up, waved back, and gave me the biggest smile I'd ever seen.

It was amazing. I hope one day I'll actually be able to meet this princess and when I do, I hope she feels great and is cancer free! <3  

 

Tomorrow will be Kate's last day of brain and spine radiation. I am so joyful yet, what if the cancer cells are still there? There's a possibility the first radiation treatments Kate had last April- May didn't kill all the cancer cells. That she never really was cancer free. What if the cancer cells are still there? It's a scary thought. Wednesday, she will begin proton radiation again to the 2 new tumors. I pray that the radiation will kill the cancer cells. They are also discussing the insertion of a central line. That just makes me realize even more that she will soon begin chemotherapy again. That her situation really is serious and deadly. I hate using that word. Deadly. Death. Die. All of it. I hate it.  I hate cancer. I hate radiation. I hate chemo. I hate it ALL! I have read all of Kate's journal entries and I'm scared for her. She is such an amazing child. At the tender age of 7, she is more brave than most adults. Could you go through brain surgery that paralyzes you on your right side and takes your speech? Could you regain almost all the strength back in your arm and leg? Could you even gain back a little? Could you go through 5 rounds of chemotherapy? Could you handle the side effects? Could you face the possibility that you might never have kids, never see your next birthday, or never get to go to school because you are too sick? Could you puck your guts out 20 times a day? Could you be put to sleep every day for a month for brain radiation? Could you go home and have the best time of your life for 8 months than have to go back to the hospital every, single day? Could you lay perfectly still for 30 minutes a day for a month for more brain radiation? Could you fight like Kate? Kate has had to face all these things and more. She doesn't think about all these things though. She lives each day to the fullest. Most people just watch life fly by them. They take life for granted. Then, you look at Kate. Kate is only 7 years old and has had to face things no one should have to. Especially, a child. This amazing little girl fights like heck for her LIFE. Teenagers fight with their parents. Adults fight with their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. Parents fight with their children. But Kate. She fights EVERY DAY for her LIFE.

Ask yourself, could you handle brain cancer at age 5 with no known cure and cruel treatments?

Kate has to EVERY DAY!

 

Colby, you stole my heart.

 meI'm having a bad day. I don't know what is up with today, but I am depressed and tired. I came back from an awesome spring break, and I'm depressed. I promised myself I wouldn't check on the kids while I was on vacation. But I couldn't do it. I had to check on Kate and Tyler. I had to. I couldn't stay away for 3 days. How can I ever go away forever? So, I'm not. I realized even more that, these kids are part of my life. They are part of who I am now. And I can't change that. I like it like that. But days like these aren't great. They absolutely suck.

I miss Colby. A little guy I met while on vacation. Colby is 3 years old. His birthday is in November. Just like Layla's. I will always wonder what day his birthday is. Is it the 15th like Sophie's and McKenna's? Is it the 25th like on of my friend's? Is it the 26th, just like Layla? He had those beautiful blue eyes, just like Layla. I couldn't help but wonder what God put him in my life for. He definitely changed me in just 24 hours. Little Colby. The little guy that I will never see again. I prayed for him this afternoon. For a good life, good fortune, and to hopefully cross paths again. When he gave my that hug in the arcade, he hugged me a little longer than normal. One from him, one from Layla? One may never know. But I know, that little guy stole my heart. I love him with all my heart. I miss the little man. He was such a squirt jumping in the pool saying, "Watch this, girlfriend." He was precious.

Colby, I hope you had fun in the pool today. You won't remember me, but I'll always, always, remember you. I hope you remembered your ball today unlike last night. That beautiful blond hair will get you far one day. You'll be a heart stealer even when you're older. I miss your little voice. I'm glad you were looking out for me when you didn't give me that tootsie roll. I can't chew it with braces and you wouldn't give it to me. I miss you, Colby. You're probably asleep as I type this. Sweet dreams tonight, baby boy. You'll stay with me forever. Love forever and always, Allison.

Ellie's 9 month, I miss you.

 

 

Ellie right before she was given 4 weeks to live. Then... she survived 7 more months. Another life miracle!

9 longgggggggg months without her. I miss her so much. I think about her every day. If I didn't see that smile every day... I would die. I would not be able to live without that smile. Never. I've seen that smile every day since February 17, 2010. I don't plan to ever stop. I would do anything to see her smile just one more time. So many things have happened since she left. I wonder if she can see down here. See what's happening on Earth. I hope so. When I get to heaven, I hope she's the first person I see. I can't wait until that day. But I have to. So, I live today for her. For the days she didn't get to see. So, that maybe, just maybe, she'll be proud of me. I want to live out her legacy. For that is all she has now. I live today and not tomorrow. Like she lived her life back then. So, I'll sign off with this. I miss you. I love you. To heaven and back and to heaven again. Back down to Earth and infinity times.

So much is happening,

 

Kate's brain radiation is going well. She is able to do it awake which is excellent for a child. Kate amazes me everyday. My heart breaks knowing her hair will start to fall out around the end of the week or next week. I'll miss her beautiful hair. But hopefully, she will go back to remission and be able to grow it back once more! That will be a happy day! Until then, I will cherish the pictures of her with hair. I just can't believe after all she's been through she will once again have to lose her hair. This will be the 3rd time she lost her hair. When diagnosed, when she had her stem cell transplant (she just had peach fuzz BUT hair!), and now. Cancer SUCKS!

 

Savannah Hope Swandel

2/23/00-3/21/11

Savannah's battle ended today at 12:18 p.m. She fought rhabdomyosarcoma for 5 years. She was diagnosed at the age of 5. 5 years old and her world was changed forever. Savannah has inspired many. She inspired me. She stole the heart of many people including mine.

Sometimes, I don't know what I would do without the kids. Tonight is one of those nights. Some days, I feel like I can't take the heartache anymore. But I come to realize, they are part of me now. There is no way I could abandon them. Especially, precious ones still fighting. I don't want to learn 20 years from now that one has passed. Thinking all that time they were doing good. I remember when I learned about a little girl named Bizzie passing. It was about 3 weeks or so when I heard. I was so mad at myself for not making sure she was okay. Now, I realize there is no way I could have looked at every kid. I have probably 400, maybe more, kids I follow. I can't look at them all in a few weeks. Less all in one day. My heartaches with these families. I can't imagine what they're going through. I've never lost a child. I've never had a child. But I know when I do, I'll cherish mine a little more because I've seen them be taken away. I've looked at any child different since February 17, 2010. It's amazing how much these kids can change your life. You see what they go through in one day and it truly inspires you forever. I know from personally experience. Last night, I thought the day was going to be good. I thought I was doing good about getting in the depressed mode. Until, I thought about Ellie. I couldn't stop. I started reading her journal entries from the beginning and listening to Hey Ellie over and over again. I missed my girl so much. I just broke down. It took a little thought and I slipped. But I took a hot shower and by the time I got out, I had a new hope. I prayed and thanked God like I have so many times before. He helped me and I thanked Him again. I went to bed and was feeling good. Today was a sad day since I've been home. My heart aches knowing Savannah is gone. But I'm glad she's not in pain any longer. I looked for updates on her yesterday and saw she couldn't walk and could hardly move her arms. She didn't deserve that pain. I'm glad she is forever healed and will never have to worry about cancer, chemo, radiation, surgery, hospitals, or anything the last 5 years of her life have been about. She is at peace and I know she is forever watching over us with her big smile.

Sal's battle also ended the 19th. I've followed him for a year. He really touched my heart. I knew in the days before, he wouldn't have much time left. I hadn't been checking on him until the other day. God made me open his website the other day and I saw he was not doing well. I now know it's because he would soon be gone and I needed to cherish him while he was here. Now, he's gone. Rest in peace, sweet Sal. Forever 8<3

I'll be ending with a verse from Savannah's song, "Every Time Savannah Smiles"

"It's like a little piece of heaven peeking through the clouds, every time Savannah smiles."

I'm back,

I've been quiet the last week and a half. With Layla and Sophie's angelversery, the beach trip, and everything else, I just haven't had time or wanted to talk to anyone. Layla's angelversery was full of tears but bittersweet. Sophie's was just the same. The beach trip was amazing. I couldn't stop thinking of my Ellie and Layla. Ellie absolutely loved the beach. This was the first time I actually stayed at the beach since her passing. I wen ton a cruise but that's the closest I got to the beach last year. I think I needed anyways. I needed time to heal. I cried when we left. I knew I'd come home and wouldn't have reminders the Ellie is always with me. I know she is but I don't constantly think about it. I'm gonna go. I'll talk later.

Poster Project for Computer Skills

Ellie Shoal Potvin- 10/31/01-6/23/10

Layla Grace Marsh- 11/26/07-3/9/10

Kate Elizabeth McRae- 12/26/03

McKenna Maiorana- 11/15/08

Taylor Love- 6/27/05

Daisy Love Merrick-

Ezra David Matthews- 9/31/08-11/8/10

Braden Hofen- 

Cole

Keegan Ray Dixson-

Ethan Taylor Jostad-

Skye Alexandria Jetter-

Jensen

Samantha Arnett-

Alexander Edwin Brown-

Hannah Grace Harrison-

Lena 

Colyn McDaniel-

Brynn Elizabeth Woods-

Austin Tyler Thompson-

Summer Claire-

Nathan Moran-

 

Joseph "Joe" Brady Hill

3/20/97-3/2/11

Today was definitely harder than yesterday. We may have lost Joe yesterday, but it is so much harder seeing his friends cry and everything. I have friends from Dan River at dance. On of my best friends was best friends with Joe. She was at dance tonight. We talked about him the whole two hours. I just wanna say this... Some people need to have some respect. This other girl in our dance class was not very respectful and it made us kind of mad. We were talking about Joe and everything and this other girl came up and said, "Well, we have Tyler at our school." It shouldn't matter how many kids died at your school! That's not something I want to say about my friends being dead! It's not something to be proud if you have more dead kids! Joe died from cancer, Tyler from a car accident. They were two different people! Don't compare them! I doubt they even knew each other! Tyler was brain dead for 4 hours before he was taken off life support, Joe had been battling cancer for 7 months! Two boys with completely different stories! It shouldn't matter which school has more dead students! I wish neither one of them had died but you don't always get what you wish for. Please don't compare two people that have nothing to do with each other. It would have been different if she had said, "We know how you feel because we lost Tyler," and everything but, she said it in this snooty tone and I didn't like it. I didn't even know Joe but I will stand up for what is right.

Sorry, but I had to get that out. It made me furious. It just doesn't make since why someone would do that.

I've seen many kids die from cancer. I don't compare any of them. Every kid is different and has a different story. It's not right to think of them as the same because they aren't on this Earth anymore.

Bad day with a hint of good,

Today has been hard already. Joe passed away today. Rest in peace, Joe<3 I don't know if I'll go to his funeral. I might just to support my friends that knew him. 13 is not enough years in one life.

Mackenzie also gained her wings early this morning. Rest in peace, Mackenzie<3

I've been sad for the past couple days just thinking about this time last year. Layla was on her last leg this time last year. In 7 days, it'll be a year. March 9, 2010, I would have told you it would be forever until a year had passed. Today, it feels like just yesterday she was here on Earth. I miss my little sweetheart.

Now, for the GOOD NEWS!......

My story got second place in the 8th grade! Go Ellie!

I am so excited I get to go to the next round! I couldn't have done it without my Ellie in heaven<3 Thank you so much, baby girl! I have to type it tomorrow during second period. I don't know if I'll be able to do it without crying. I cried a little when I wrote it, but this time it is different. This is state! Ellie's story will be told to even more people! People that don't even know about other kids with cancer or even if kids get cancer! The disappointing news is... I have to change the names. Ellie and Grace's name will no longer be able to be used in the story. I wish it was different, but I don't want to be disqualified. As long as someone learns of childhood cancer, I feel like I've done something more to raise awareness. I have decided on the names to substitute. Kate Elizabeth (After Kate McRae) Davis and Taylor Nicole (After Taylor Love) Davis. Kate will be Ellie and Taylor will be Grace. Both girls relapsed with cancer recently and I want to honor them some way. So, the story will now be Ellie's life played by Kate.

 Kate during her first battle with brain cancer.

 Kate today at M.D. Anderson.

 Kate recently with her toothless grin!

Kate and her parents Friday.

 Kate had an MRI a couple hours. No reports it yet. I pray that the tumors have not grown a lot in a month. It gives me a little hope they haven't grown too much that he spinal tap last week was clear.

I found a lot of pictures of Kate last night so, I added a few. she continues to amaze me everyday. The top one is one of my favorite of her. I'll post more pictures as I post more things about her.